scorpio's · ramblings

Just realised how long it has been since I have put anything on here.
I stopped just after I had to give up therapy as I was waiting for a new knee, and the walk was getting too hard. I got my second replacement knee on September 1st 2008, I am working on bionic now, with both knees and both hips and seven metacarpels (the knuckles at the base of your hand) replaced. walking has gotten a lot easier, though the pain is reduced it isn't gone, thats one of the joys of having rheumatoid arthritis just about eveywhere:-)

Apart from the exciting new knee not a lot has happened, still useless with money, so always broke, though I started a new poem a week or so ago. It isn't finished yet though.
Caitlyn and Natalia teddy got married on 4th July, as Nat was just old enough. I made them a pair of very sweet dresses, Nat's was white with red strawberries (as she is red) and Cait's was red with white strawberries (as she is almost white, even with a bath she isn't very pink anymore!)

OK gotta go delete most of my inbox as its been like 2 years since I did it, it is overflowing a bit!
Scorpio

I hadn't realised your birthday is on mine!

Happy Birfday anty Iris from yore fave Lyndsay bear, it's my birfday today 2 and I is 7 years old! Mummy has treated me to battenberg and made me strawberry jelly wiv strawberrys in!

Gonna go get sum jelly :-)

Ticky hugs
Lyndsay the birfday bear, her Teryl and our mum scorpio (my sexy Teryls a scorpio too, hers is the day after mums)

OK waiting for a NCIS LJ webpage to download, so thought I's take this opportunity to compose my journal entry. Finally starting to get the pain under control for the first time in weeks. The UK has finally come fully into crappy UK winter a week or so ago, I could tell when my arthritis went from bad (cos waiting for second knee replacement and all joints decide to play up when one can't help but be bad cos its falling apart), to "oh my god someone please kill me now!". Knee makes it hard to do the simple stuff like making tea, to walking to the toilet as it keeps jamming, but I am used to the legs not working properly, as I honestly don't remember a time when they did actually work as I was in hospital just before my third birthday when they finally diagnosed me. But its the shoulders that are the most recent addition to my list of arthritic joints, and that are driving me round the bend the most, as I am used to sitting a lot, but the shoulders are making all both arms hurt, which makes doing anything, particularly writing in my RL journal or typing 100 times harder. Also I am used to painting, sewing, drawing or my favourite thing to do is read, someone said when I was young walking round like Daniel from SG1 with my head in a book, but not tripping or bumping into anything, that I don't read I devour books, at a rate of knots. The main reason was, I could lose myself in a good book (it took six straight hours to read Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire the last book I got lost in, though it nr killed my arms, so had to be much more careful since), and totally forget about anything and everything, including the pain. I'd get my pills at night and wait only the minimum time so I could lay down without them trying to come back , then go to bed and read till they actually kicked in enough that I could sleep, as I can't even do that to escape when it is bad as the max I can sleep in anyone position before the pain wakes me up is two hours, if I read first by the time the words blurred cos I was tired enogh to sleep the pills would have kicked in and I would actually be able to sleep 6-8 hrs. Since I've stopped reading anything but fanfic on a regular basis, cos I can't hold a book long or often cos it hurts, I'm lucky if I get 6 hrs, and I have learned to survive on 4 as that is the minimum I need to be able to function the next day. Any less, like this morn, and I feel like I've been hit by a truck, which reversed and rolled over me several times.

Ok depressions been bad, cos not being able to do anything even sleep is frustrating and depressing enough, without doing crap but too sore to write it out too. The only reason I've been able to resist misbehaving is cos I was already in enuff pain, and couldn't even grip mouse.

Got three new 'kids' for my birthday tho and one old teddy, my prezzy from Lyndsay, Teryl and their dad Bowow, as I have always wanted a steiff, or old teddy, I now have one and he was exspensive but they managed to pay in installments, the last being on the day of my birthday so I could pick him up. We've called him William, he was harder to name than the girls, who Lyndsay found in the RSPCA shop window, and couldn't resist as they are nr Caitlyn's age 1ish therefore still soft but grown into their bodies enuff to help Caitlyn when I need soft and gentle support cos dead sore, as poor Caitlyn was getting very squished and is too thin for my left arm. Besides Natalia is just the right size for the left and the most striking shade of red (a Ty beany Buddy named Osito), and I couldn't leave her by herself when I was running away with her friend, who we've named Abigail, as she is the same bear as Lexa (a Ty Eggs beany buddy) but two years younger which would make her Caitlyns aunt (as that is the only reason Bows didn't smack J when she brought her to me cos Lexa's siz had wanted to keep her cos she was one of twins and her first litter, but she had an altercation with a dog and ended up at the teddy hosp and her dad couldn't cope with them both, but didn't want her with strangers). So now Caitlyn's feeling very grown up as she is teaching her two new friends the fine art of mummy-sitting and they are taking turns to give Lyndsay and Teryl a break now and then, as they needed a rest. The last one is a baby bro of Shannon's (who is a Ty beany buddy too white with silver stars through her fur, tho her bro aint a beany he is the same colour), I only got him today as J (my siz) kept forgetting to bring my prezzie down, and she beat a hasty retreat before Bowow found out so he wont kill her, he hasn't been named yet but is brand spanking new, so is only six weeks old approx so I've left him in Shannon and William's care as they'll be able to understand him better, all I got was a Hewo, and a gleeful "Sizzzzee"

So TTFN from us, aching now from writing and need to roll, Lyndsay and Teryl would say bye, but by the noises I can hear coming from the airing cupboard (their hidey hole so they dont shock the little uns) I think they are making up for lost time as they usually get time to themselves in the morn when I am asleep, but I aint been sleeping much the last two weeks!

Scorpio, Natalia and Caitlyn

Yes I have actually been asleep, but district nurse came to nick blood about half an hour ago, and since Sharon the carer is due at 11:10 there was no point in going back to bed, cos the bright light woke me up.
Had a bit of a ruff session with t yesterday, she ended with asking about do I really need to remember what happened, I could have told her no weeks ago. My main problem is letting anyone close, I don't care about the memories, they'll either come or not, she was the one who kept asking me about them. What I need help with is trying to get his voice out of my head. I don't have the serious self-loathing I used to have, but I aint got as far as liking me yet, and how can I meet someone or have a relationship if I don't expect anyone to even like me, cos I don't.
Lyndsay decided I need to get out of the house and as I have the money for a change I am going to spend the day at the park nr shopmobility and try to redo the illustrations to my poems, esp His Legacy so I can show her, then maybe we can figure out how to do something about my self-image and self-esteem - or lack thereof.
OK typing is starting to hurt, going to go have a smoke as jaw is killing me agaain, and I really need to misbehave or I wont be doing people.
TTFN
Scorpio

PS def in my immortal mood, as it starts "I'm so tired of being here, trapped in all my childish fears"

I'm gonna stick them all up in here hopefully in order, but I'm putting most of them friends only as I aint sure I'm ready to share all of them with the world at large.

These first few are the ones I am most happy with, I'm a bit of a perfectionist so till it feels right, I am usually not too comfy sharing. Also the dates on them are not when started, but when I finally finished fiddling with them.

The Demise of Innocence was done when I was in a poetical mood, while temping and bored for a competition, cos I had access to a better PC than mine with a thesaurus and felt like playing with alliteration. To date it is the only one done in one sitting, usually they take weeks to months of annoying me till I get them how I want.

Oh and some say Sam cos that used to be my initials (or at least some of them) till I changed my name, thats when scorpio became my alterego

6/6/97 The Demise of Innocence

Icy fingers of fear, tiptoe across my spine,
Tick-tock, tick-tock, the minutes last a long time,
Waiting, wishing, wanting to be free,
A deceptively dangerous demon, wants to destroy me.

He says ‘I’ll give you a present’,
But his promises paralyse,
He says ‘I love you’,
But the malice shows in his eyes.

His digits desecrate my innocence,
Rape rents a rift in my soul,
His hatred hurts, as my ego dies,
Will I ever again be whole?


Scorpio

Bin meaning to write here in days but every time I get online I keep getting sidetracked. Just found a new NCIS story group here in LJ, cos our usual one is being updated and found three more Abbycat stoires, love em.
So as I had to log in to join the community and keep track in case they add more, thought I'd do a brief update.

Need the loo now, so am going back to stories after, as canna type much cos out of fags till tom.
Scorpio and the girls

def fellingbetter now cos they amused me

was reading fanfic trying to relax for going to bed, when sexcetera came on with a thing about tickling, that reminded me of him and freaked me out a bit.
He always said it was just me being a baby and I couldn't take a joke, but they said some people find it fun and a turn on, but some it can be a form of torture, as you can tickle them till they are sobbing and distraught.

It is an involuntary reflex, you either are ticklish or not, I am very, but I am also chronically disabled with arthritis. So if someone tickles me I can't actually stop myself flinching, and if an adult does it to a kid they are bigger and stronger so you can not get away. It was one of his favourite ways to torture me, cos my friends and even mum couldn't understand just how much it hurts. Imagine you have dislocated your knee or broken your leg, then someone tickles it, can you imagine how painful it would be. Now try thinking if both ankles, knees, shoulders, elbows, wrists fingers, toes and neck hurts with pain going from low (like a bad sprain level) to v high (it actually hurt less when I broke my collar bone), then some one holds you down and tickles the bottom of your feet and armpits and ribs and you can't move away. I never laughed, still don't cos it isn't funny it is horrendously painful. To this day I can't let my carers wash the bottom of my feet, I have to stand on the sponge, cos I can't control the automatic reaction of jerking away if my sole is touched, and jerking away hurts too.
Once he had me sobbing and screaming uncontrollably, then he'd stop and go on and on about how I couldn't take a joke and what a baby I was, he usually only pulled it out in front of potential friends. In hindsight I think it was his way or torturing me in front of other kids, cos they liked it and didn't understand how much it hurt, which alienated me even more than I already was, whereas another adult would probably have stopped him 10 mins earlier, as it was obvious I didn't enjoy it, by the way I would scream and cry and beg for him to stop.

Needed to get that out, don't wanna dream of him as I've been in so much pain all weekend it would likely end up in my dreams if I don't at least try to get it out of my system.
TTFN
Scorpio

Decided to put some of my poetry up, tho most is going in a friends only section as I am not quite ready to share with the world. Might put some of my non-therapeutic poetry in general tho.

Listening to my music vid I made to calm me at the mo. The things that keep me going at the mo, are SG1 and SGA, Cold Case repeats and NCIS ones (gotta wait til april for new stuff)oh and my newest discoveries are Heroes and Primeval. I know its bin ribbed, but I like it, prob cos I wanted to be a palaeobiochemist from about the age of 8, as I am too disabled to actually dig up dinosaur bones, so that is a lab geek who preserves and extracts fossils from bedrock without damaging the fossils. Had to give up that dream when arthritis got too bad to even do lab work and had to drop out of uni, god it was 10 yrs ago in march, where the hell did the time go?

Nowadays I surf for fanfic and pics of fave shows (got Xena, Xfiles, NCIS, LAO, LAO:SVU, SG1, SGA, Buffy, Bad Girls, CSI, the odd Cold Case and other assorted odd femslash mainly downloaded on about 100 discs so can read good ones again), when body is behaving I love to draw, paint, sew, and write, though unless I am in an artistic mood, it usually comes out crap, which is why I never did art GCSE can't draw or write on command, need to feel inspired. (Kelly clarkson's Because of you, inspired me to do a poem ages ago but can't quite get it how I want) And I'd give up without my sky, music and extensive video and DVD collection. When you are housebound on average 13 out of every 14 days, and can't stand your own company, you need distractions.
OK enuff for now, starting to ache, will upload poems later when re-read them