scorpio's · ramblings

Just realised how long it has been since I have put anything on here.
I stopped just after I had to give up therapy as I was waiting for a new knee, and the walk was getting too hard. I got my second replacement knee on September 1st 2008, I am working on bionic now, with both knees and both hips and seven metacarpels (the knuckles at the base of your hand) replaced. walking has gotten a lot easier, though the pain is reduced it isn't gone, thats one of the joys of having rheumatoid arthritis just about eveywhere:-)

Apart from the exciting new knee not a lot has happened, still useless with money, so always broke, though I started a new poem a week or so ago. It isn't finished yet though.
Caitlyn and Natalia teddy got married on 4th July, as Nat was just old enough. I made them a pair of very sweet dresses, Nat's was white with red strawberries (as she is red) and Cait's was red with white strawberries (as she is almost white, even with a bath she isn't very pink anymore!)

OK gotta go delete most of my inbox as its been like 2 years since I did it, it is overflowing a bit!
Scorpio

I hadn't realised your birthday is on mine!

Happy Birfday anty Iris from yore fave Lyndsay bear, it's my birfday today 2 and I is 7 years old! Mummy has treated me to battenberg and made me strawberry jelly wiv strawberrys in!

Gonna go get sum jelly :-)

Ticky hugs
Lyndsay the birfday bear, her Teryl and our mum scorpio (my sexy Teryls a scorpio too, hers is the day after mums)

OK waiting for a NCIS LJ webpage to download, so thought I's take this opportunity to compose my journal entry. Finally starting to get the pain under control for the first time in weeks. The UK has finally come fully into crappy UK winter a week or so ago, I could tell when my arthritis went from bad (cos waiting for second knee replacement and all joints decide to play up when one can't help but be bad cos its falling apart), to "oh my god someone please kill me now!". Knee makes it hard to do the simple stuff like making tea, to walking to the toilet as it keeps jamming, but I am used to the legs not working properly, as I honestly don't remember a time when they did actually work as I was in hospital just before my third birthday when they finally diagnosed me. But its the shoulders that are the most recent addition to my list of arthritic joints, and that are driving me round the bend the most, as I am used to sitting a lot, but the shoulders are making all both arms hurt, which makes doing anything, particularly writing in my RL journal or typing 100 times harder. Also I am used to painting, sewing, drawing or my favourite thing to do is read, someone said when I was young walking round like Daniel from SG1 with my head in a book, but not tripping or bumping into anything, that I don't read I devour books, at a rate of knots. The main reason was, I could lose myself in a good book (it took six straight hours to read Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire the last book I got lost in, though it nr killed my arms, so had to be much more careful since), and totally forget about anything and everything, including the pain. I'd get my pills at night and wait only the minimum time so I could lay down without them trying to come back , then go to bed and read till they actually kicked in enough that I could sleep, as I can't even do that to escape when it is bad as the max I can sleep in anyone position before the pain wakes me up is two hours, if I read first by the time the words blurred cos I was tired enogh to sleep the pills would have kicked in and I would actually be able to sleep 6-8 hrs. Since I've stopped reading anything but fanfic on a regular basis, cos I can't hold a book long or often cos it hurts, I'm lucky if I get 6 hrs, and I have learned to survive on 4 as that is the minimum I need to be able to function the next day. Any less, like this morn, and I feel like I've been hit by a truck, which reversed and rolled over me several times.

Ok depressions been bad, cos not being able to do anything even sleep is frustrating and depressing enough, without doing crap but too sore to write it out too. The only reason I've been able to resist misbehaving is cos I was already in enuff pain, and couldn't even grip mouse.

Got three new 'kids' for my birthday tho and one old teddy, my prezzy from Lyndsay, Teryl and their dad Bowow, as I have always wanted a steiff, or old teddy, I now have one and he was exspensive but they managed to pay in installments, the last being on the day of my birthday so I could pick him up. We've called him William, he was harder to name than the girls, who Lyndsay found in the RSPCA shop window, and couldn't resist as they are nr Caitlyn's age 1ish therefore still soft but grown into their bodies enuff to help Caitlyn when I need soft and gentle support cos dead sore, as poor Caitlyn was getting very squished and is too thin for my left arm. Besides Natalia is just the right size for the left and the most striking shade of red (a Ty beany Buddy named Osito), and I couldn't leave her by herself when I was running away with her friend, who we've named Abigail, as she is the same bear as Lexa (a Ty Eggs beany buddy) but two years younger which would make her Caitlyns aunt (as that is the only reason Bows didn't smack J when she brought her to me cos Lexa's siz had wanted to keep her cos she was one of twins and her first litter, but she had an altercation with a dog and ended up at the teddy hosp and her dad couldn't cope with them both, but didn't want her with strangers). So now Caitlyn's feeling very grown up as she is teaching her two new friends the fine art of mummy-sitting and they are taking turns to give Lyndsay and Teryl a break now and then, as they needed a rest. The last one is a baby bro of Shannon's (who is a Ty beany buddy too white with silver stars through her fur, tho her bro aint a beany he is the same colour), I only got him today as J (my siz) kept forgetting to bring my prezzie down, and she beat a hasty retreat before Bowow found out so he wont kill her, he hasn't been named yet but is brand spanking new, so is only six weeks old approx so I've left him in Shannon and William's care as they'll be able to understand him better, all I got was a Hewo, and a gleeful "Sizzzzee"

So TTFN from us, aching now from writing and need to roll, Lyndsay and Teryl would say bye, but by the noises I can hear coming from the airing cupboard (their hidey hole so they dont shock the little uns) I think they are making up for lost time as they usually get time to themselves in the morn when I am asleep, but I aint been sleeping much the last two weeks!

Scorpio, Natalia and Caitlyn

Yes I have actually been asleep, but district nurse came to nick blood about half an hour ago, and since Sharon the carer is due at 11:10 there was no point in going back to bed, cos the bright light woke me up.
Had a bit of a ruff session with t yesterday, she ended with asking about do I really need to remember what happened, I could have told her no weeks ago. My main problem is letting anyone close, I don't care about the memories, they'll either come or not, she was the one who kept asking me about them. What I need help with is trying to get his voice out of my head. I don't have the serious self-loathing I used to have, but I aint got as far as liking me yet, and how can I meet someone or have a relationship if I don't expect anyone to even like me, cos I don't.
Lyndsay decided I need to get out of the house and as I have the money for a change I am going to spend the day at the park nr shopmobility and try to redo the illustrations to my poems, esp His Legacy so I can show her, then maybe we can figure out how to do something about my self-image and self-esteem - or lack thereof.
OK typing is starting to hurt, going to go have a smoke as jaw is killing me agaain, and I really need to misbehave or I wont be doing people.
TTFN
Scorpio

PS def in my immortal mood, as it starts "I'm so tired of being here, trapped in all my childish fears"

I'm gonna stick them all up in here hopefully in order, but I'm putting most of them friends only as I aint sure I'm ready to share all of them with the world at large.

These first few are the ones I am most happy with, I'm a bit of a perfectionist so till it feels right, I am usually not too comfy sharing. Also the dates on them are not when started, but when I finally finished fiddling with them.

The Demise of Innocence was done when I was in a poetical mood, while temping and bored for a competition, cos I had access to a better PC than mine with a thesaurus and felt like playing with alliteration. To date it is the only one done in one sitting, usually they take weeks to months of annoying me till I get them how I want.

Oh and some say Sam cos that used to be my initials (or at least some of them) till I changed my name, thats when scorpio became my alterego

6/6/97 The Demise of Innocence

Icy fingers of fear, tiptoe across my spine,
Tick-tock, tick-tock, the minutes last a long time,
Waiting, wishing, wanting to be free,
A deceptively dangerous demon, wants to destroy me.

He says ‘I’ll give you a present’,
But his promises paralyse,
He says ‘I love you’,
But the malice shows in his eyes.

His digits desecrate my innocence,
Rape rents a rift in my soul,
His hatred hurts, as my ego dies,
Will I ever again be whole?


Scorpio

Bin meaning to write here in days but every time I get online I keep getting sidetracked. Just found a new NCIS story group here in LJ, cos our usual one is being updated and found three more Abbycat stoires, love em.
So as I had to log in to join the community and keep track in case they add more, thought I'd do a brief update.

Need the loo now, so am going back to stories after, as canna type much cos out of fags till tom.
Scorpio and the girls

def fellingbetter now cos they amused me

was reading fanfic trying to relax for going to bed, when sexcetera came on with a thing about tickling, that reminded me of him and freaked me out a bit.
He always said it was just me being a baby and I couldn't take a joke, but they said some people find it fun and a turn on, but some it can be a form of torture, as you can tickle them till they are sobbing and distraught.

It is an involuntary reflex, you either are ticklish or not, I am very, but I am also chronically disabled with arthritis. So if someone tickles me I can't actually stop myself flinching, and if an adult does it to a kid they are bigger and stronger so you can not get away. It was one of his favourite ways to torture me, cos my friends and even mum couldn't understand just how much it hurts. Imagine you have dislocated your knee or broken your leg, then someone tickles it, can you imagine how painful it would be. Now try thinking if both ankles, knees, shoulders, elbows, wrists fingers, toes and neck hurts with pain going from low (like a bad sprain level) to v high (it actually hurt less when I broke my collar bone), then some one holds you down and tickles the bottom of your feet and armpits and ribs and you can't move away. I never laughed, still don't cos it isn't funny it is horrendously painful. To this day I can't let my carers wash the bottom of my feet, I have to stand on the sponge, cos I can't control the automatic reaction of jerking away if my sole is touched, and jerking away hurts too.
Once he had me sobbing and screaming uncontrollably, then he'd stop and go on and on about how I couldn't take a joke and what a baby I was, he usually only pulled it out in front of potential friends. In hindsight I think it was his way or torturing me in front of other kids, cos they liked it and didn't understand how much it hurt, which alienated me even more than I already was, whereas another adult would probably have stopped him 10 mins earlier, as it was obvious I didn't enjoy it, by the way I would scream and cry and beg for him to stop.

Needed to get that out, don't wanna dream of him as I've been in so much pain all weekend it would likely end up in my dreams if I don't at least try to get it out of my system.
TTFN
Scorpio

Decided to put some of my poetry up, tho most is going in a friends only section as I am not quite ready to share with the world. Might put some of my non-therapeutic poetry in general tho.

Listening to my music vid I made to calm me at the mo. The things that keep me going at the mo, are SG1 and SGA, Cold Case repeats and NCIS ones (gotta wait til april for new stuff)oh and my newest discoveries are Heroes and Primeval. I know its bin ribbed, but I like it, prob cos I wanted to be a palaeobiochemist from about the age of 8, as I am too disabled to actually dig up dinosaur bones, so that is a lab geek who preserves and extracts fossils from bedrock without damaging the fossils. Had to give up that dream when arthritis got too bad to even do lab work and had to drop out of uni, god it was 10 yrs ago in march, where the hell did the time go?

Nowadays I surf for fanfic and pics of fave shows (got Xena, Xfiles, NCIS, LAO, LAO:SVU, SG1, SGA, Buffy, Bad Girls, CSI, the odd Cold Case and other assorted odd femslash mainly downloaded on about 100 discs so can read good ones again), when body is behaving I love to draw, paint, sew, and write, though unless I am in an artistic mood, it usually comes out crap, which is why I never did art GCSE can't draw or write on command, need to feel inspired. (Kelly clarkson's Because of you, inspired me to do a poem ages ago but can't quite get it how I want) And I'd give up without my sky, music and extensive video and DVD collection. When you are housebound on average 13 out of every 14 days, and can't stand your own company, you need distractions.
OK enuff for now, starting to ache, will upload poems later when re-read them

Been awake ruffly an hour, not got much sleep the last two days, as arfur is being a pain again, esp in my arms and neck, and I have a headache now, from not drinking enuff caffeine over the last two days again. I've gone and got addicted again, if I don't drink enuff coffee I wake up with a splitting headache.

Was surfing yesterday after got my email, I joined a sort of newsletter called Carnival of something or other, it is a resource for abuse and rape survivors, that correlates diff resources for survivors together in a newsletter. I found a place called Dancing in the dark from it, that was inspiring, full of survivors stories. Was reading till around 6am, cos too sore to sleep. When I finally slept, woke up nearly as sore as yesterday and twice as freaked, weird and scary dreams again.

As per usual they didn't make much sense when I woke, just left me shaky and sore from curling up in my sleep. My teddy girls are looking after me tho, they said to put some of my poems in here as I cant type much, hurts too much.

So lets start with the one about my 'kids', they are all saved in my PC My document file, so no typing needed. Still not finished my latest, just having a mental block.

My Kids 1st June 2000

People say I'm mad,
For talking to teddy bears,
But only they know what its like,
'Cos only they are there.

As they've hugged me all night,
Through the pain and the fright.

Late at night when I wake up,
Scared and in a cold sweat,
There's no one there,
So a teddy bear's, the only help I get.

When I get nightmares & wake up scared,
'Cos all the old fears aren't gone,
There's no one there, & my friends are asleep,
So I've only a bear to lean on.

And they'll hug me all night,
Through the pain and the fright.

And when I go out,
And get frightened in a crowd,
Davey takes my mind of it,
By being silly and loud.
And when I start to panic,
'Cos a man's got me on my own,
Davey will drag me away,
And help me to calm down.

And he'll hug me all night,
And bounce on the fright.

It's hard to be sad and scared,
With a bouncy bear making me laugh,
And when I hit a crisis,
A bear's the only solace I have,
I have many bizarre behaviours,
I learned to help me cope,
A bear's not as harmful as some of them,
And it helps to give me hope.

In the dead of the night,
He'll bounce on the fright.

------------------------------
By Scorpio

Been wanting to post for days but kept getting distracted. Need to go back to bed soon, cos got a chiropodist app in the pm, not looking forward to it, which is prob why I had weird and slightly unnerving dreams again.

Finally figured out how to use the answer machine on my mobile yesterday and found 2 messages from brasac, about setting up an app for while my t is away, one from last week and one the week before, can't ring tho till mon at a reasonable hour if I want to talk to a person tho.
Been feeling all artistic and crafty all weekend, but too tired and too sore to do anything about it tho.

OK that'll have to do too sore to type much, did a bit more on my story yesterday tho, its coming along nicely, but keeping going off in directions I didn't expect.

TTFN
Scorpio

Emotional or Mental Abuse: includes inattention to a special educational need, chronic or extreme spouse abuse in the child's presence, permission of drug or alcohol use by minors, and failure to provide needed or prescribed psychological treatment.
This form of abuse can cause serious disorders and ranges from extreme forms of punishment to making fun of a child's appearance, medical conditions, or handicaps. Belittling, scapegoating, mind games, threatening, ignoring, shaming, and name calling are all types of emotional abuse.

Found the above bit on a web page about diff forms of child abuse, he did all the above, it was so hard to understand and name what he was like cos sometimes he worked all day or all night, and I found out later he was off having affairs left right and centre. Which is why it could be days or weeks of peace, then he'd go off for work and spend his time not working with some women, then they'd break up and he would be back driving us up the walls again. So I'd be ignored by him for anywhere between a day to a few months, then the belittling, shaming, yelling and general mind games to make me feel like I was living in hell again.
The worst bit was up to the new years day after I turned 13, then most of the icky bits and thumps stopped or were less frequent as I was up and down to the various hospitals a lot, instead of spending 3 months in I could have apps to up to seven diff hosp depts in a few weeks. My consultant apps now can be up to 3-9 months apart, but growing up they changed from 1 a week to 3 monthly, depending how active my arthritis was and whether they were trying new meds. Being a kid they like to see any diff in movement themselves and watched for side effects.
After 13 the emotional stuff got ten times worse and he was still violent. I figured out how to stop him getting to creepy, quite soon after that. Mum was always telling me off for aggravating him, but I learned soon if, I answered back and was flippant he'd get louder and angrier and storm out of the house, and if I was really lucky we wouldn't see him for up to a week.

OK got some of it off my chest and arms sore now. Been doing a bit crap lately, been very down and its winter so my arthritis is playing silly buggers which wears out.

Going to go lay down now.
TTFN
Scorpio

4:04am 13th February 2007

Decided to type this up before I log on as the PC always time outs me when I try to send mail. It's Davey's birthday today he is 10 years old, don't know where they've gone the body has been behaving particularly well for the time of year, which isn't that good but not half as bad as it usually is. My depression on the other hand is back and brought friends, I stayed up most of the day today so I can go to bed soon and be awake during daylight hours for Dave's birthday cake later, if I do my usual getting up anywhere tween 8pm SG1 S10) and 2am for pills I wont see him as his bros and sizzes and dad plan on taking him on a pub crawl starting after simpsons.

Been thinking over what shrink said and going over in my mind and brought up a lot of his shit. Was researching child abuse for a story I am trying to write, trying being the operative word, as most of my resources are nearly 13 years out of date, and found a load about diff types of child abuse on a newspapers page, although I knew he made me feel like dying most of the time, I didn't realise it was emotional abuse till I read on how a parents emotional manipulations can leave life long scars.

It said stuff like the constant put downs, "when you bring home your first boyfriend I'll kick his guide dog" was one of his faves, the constantly changing rules, e.g. holding something one way one day gets screaming and shouting about the proper way to hold it so you don't look like a deformed duck, and you do it that way next day gets equal or greater punishment, and if stupid enough to say "but you told me..." then you get the backhand for "are you trying to be smart?" I could never do anything right. And getting at and the constant nagging e.g. "can you even hold a fork like a normal person?" and my particular favourite "Stop walking like a dead duck!" about my disability were particularly cruel, as my elbows give me a lot of trouble now from him forcing me to pick up stuff like a 'normal' person, as unless I do it so it looks awkward my elbows tended to dislocate slightly. I can't even hide in a book anymore because my pain in my arms is so bad. My elbows haven't been active in years but the damage done to the bone is irrepairable without surgery which they wont do unless you can't use them cos of pain, as elbows joint are particularly tricky to do well and usually cause more complications than they solve.

When he left he had the audacity to say how ungrateful I was after everything he did for me, yes he did lots of stuff for me, and I'd wish or hope everyday that today would be different and he wouldn't make my life a living hell. Taking me to hosp apps as the docs never took mum seriously, then spending all the trip there threatening me against embarrassing him, talking too much or any other thing he thought I did wrong last time, and the entire trip home screaming and shouting about what ever transgression I supposedly did, then slapping me "to give you something to cry about" for being a wimp and such a disappointment and being a baby cos he'd reduced me to tears. Thanks it helped so much!
I was so grateful when I got to my GCSE year cos I had a valid reason for not going on the trips to blackpool to see the relatives, I loved visiting, what I hated was the hour journey trapped in a car with him, each way and the same rigmarole on the way to every house, I was supposed to sit in a corner shut up and pretend I didn't exist.

The bit I hated the most was each and every time anyone visited, they were their friends I should leave the room and go do something useful like my homework (even if I had already done it), "can't you tell when you are not wanted". They even did it when Aunty Bebe visited from the states I saw her once that I remember when we visited her in 86, but when they came over c92 I wasn't allowed to do more than say hi, as I just got home from school then I was banished to my room till they left, the fact they'd come for a wedding and we wouldn't see them again, probably in this life cos they live in NY and we lived in the UK, and as it was just around or after he left, so we wouldn't get cheap hols ever again so I'd be lucky to see them, even though they are my fave and one of v few relatives I have, wasn't imp. The fact Siz was 6 and was along to run straight in there and stay, she didn't get chucked out, she never did, was because "have you tried keeping her out".
They spent my whole life making me do things like Guides and youth group cos you need to get out and make friends, then whenever anyone comes to the house I have to hide and pretend like I don't exist. The few friends I did make unaided where a lot older than me cos I still don't know how to talk to my own age group, then all the guides were interested in was running up and down and back and forth across the hall, making as much noise as possible playing that stupid game port, starboard, for and aft, which every other min meant them leaping on the benches that ran down either side of the room and the only place to sit. The first and last poem I wrote as a kid was sitting at one end of it trying not to get trampled on. Even though I came second in a national poetry comp that the then Spastic society ran, in the kids group, "they only gave the prize cos they felt sorry for me, as a trained chimp could write better", which is why I gave up writing I loved it but wasn't going to give him anymore ammo to use against me. He had such a way he didn't even have to speak to make me feel worthless and unlovable, when he spoke I jut wished I could die, but I couldn't even do that right. He trained me so well he hasn't even had to be there for the last 16 years for me to feel bad about how useless and lazy I am, the tapes are stuck in my head.

All the kids my age were interested in was running around like something demented, which when you can't walk more than 100 yards without agony, I just didn't get, like they didn't get that all I wanted was to be left alone with a good book.
As I got older the only things they were interested in were boys and makeup, neither of which appeal to me still, that's why all my good friends along the way were older than me, as I spent most of my childhood stuck in hospitals. 10 hours a day for three months at a time up to the age of 11, being bandaged into traction wasn't fun. I learned the art of getting bored or lost in a book during those long hospital stays, unfortunately my arms are so bad now the pain pulls me out of it, and then I can't do anything for days cos of the pain.

OK arms sore now
TTFN scorpio

Ok got to get back in the habit of writing in my diary, or at least typing here cos my hand hurts too much to write at the moment.
Doing crap, Arfur is being a pain in the neck and back, all my arms and R knee and ankle, which is not helping my sleeping pattern.

My therapist is away for 6 wks, and she left me a 'homework' assignment to think on. To chart the major steps in my life both good and bad, as most of what we've managed to dredge up from where i buried them long ago are the good bits of growing up, unfortunately they were few and far between, and since i started thinking over what she said, the bad bits have started coming back too. I never forgot anything, I just buried it so deep I only had five memories pre 8yo when we moved to Manchester and not many after till 13 when all the crap stopped. I think by actively avoiding thinking about it, it wasn't repressed just hidden under a rug, and when the pile got too big i fell over it and had a breakdown, and started to deal with some of it. But once it wasn't so big I left the rest there, now of course she got me thinking, which is never a good thing and i managed to lift the bloody thing up, and the crappier bits are leaking into my dreams and concious mind, which is leading to a general feeling of melancholy and apathy

I've been trying to write a story, but got a little too court up in it and made my right arm v sore, which is not helping. God sometimes i hate this body, it will never cooperate when i want it to.

OK need sleep as carer will be here 11am-ish. Will try to add more soon, esp the thoughts on what t said.
TTFN
Scorpio

Ok as this is my first entry in a new diary, maybe I should put a bit about me as god knows how I stop people reading it unless i want to, I am computer illiterate, only just figured out how to do this.
For someone who got her first PC at 13 to do my schoolwork, cos I'm disabled and couldn't write much anymore, I am crap with a computor. I can word proccess so well that in 94 while still living at home I signed up to do some temp secretarial work to get me out of the house, as had 3 months off from uni and was going nuts couped up after a month. To see how good a temp i'd make the agency gave me some tests in diff wordprocessing packages, in the three I knew I got 98%, 93% and 91% (as i just got my first one not on loan and was still learning. Then she tried me on 8 diff packages I'd never tried but where similar to the ones I had, I got over 80% on them all. I spent that summer working in cotton traders and a law firm basically typing. But when my PC ate my homework, I would have to call mum!

What can I say? I'm a little out of practise typing, so my words per min is not as high as it was and my spelling is awful, its cos my brain is usually at least five words ahead of my hands, and cos of my disability I cant look at the screen and type, cant reach the keyboard if i do) so i look at the keyboard, and that way i often pick up the obvious mistakes, though not all.

I'm 32yrs old, have juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, in others words I got it as a kid. I was 2, so don't remember any diff, I also grew up in hell. My mum was only 18 and three months pregnant, when she married that man (otherwise known as my father, in my more polite moments), she also had a very domineering and slighly mental mother, so she took the escape thinking he was the better of two evils, he wasn't.
He was quite violent and manipulative among other things, he used each of us against the others, and he was very diff in company, though you knew not to step out of line or it would be a 100 times worse when you got home. Neither myself, my mum or my baby sis, realised he was playing us off each other, as he managed to isolate us a lot, while making it look like he was a good father.. For example he made me go to guides and brownies and rangers, despite the fact I hated every second, as he was "trying to help you make some friends and getting you out of the house", but turned up making a scene an dragged me home when i joined the local drama group cos I wanted to.
I spent the three yrs after he left trying to forget everything, its a bit of an alcohol induced fog, Then I had a break down at halloween 94 and have spent the last 12 and a half trying to heal and figure out what normal is. I'm a lot better than I was but still no-where nr normal. whatever that is.

OK arms sore now, will add more nxt time
Scorpio